Forever and a day

It's been forever and a day since I posted.

And now I'm sitting in the Denver airport with five minutes to go until boarding. The Bachelor (the women tell all episode) would not cooperate with me, and I figured now is as good a time as any to try to regain some of my lost blogging dignity.

I've been thinking a lot about family, lately. I'll be seeing cousins I haven't seen in years. The cousins I'm actually closest in age to on my mom's side. They are also, incidentally, the cousins I live closest to. It bothers me that we never see each other, although we live within 20 minutes of each other. But yet, here we are (or will be soon), all together again to celebrate a wonderful life that has passed. And when I sit and think about it, the last time I saw my cousins was to celebrate a different life.

Why is it that we can't seem to manage to make time for each other until someone passes away? Part of me thinks it's just downright stupid. (That's one of my words of the week. That and damn.) I mean, seriously. We don't even make it to see each other at Thanksgiving or Christmas. It's only when someone dies that we drop everything and hop on planes to be with each other. To console each other. But I've been stirring this around in my head for a few days now, and I've decided I'm okay with that. If we only see each other once every few years, at least it's during a time when we really need each other. At least it's during a time we've all set aside to celebrate life. I don't know what it all means, and I know that as much as I keep saying "celebrate" I really mean mourn. Because that's the kind of person I am.

But at least this is an opportunity for reconciliation. Nothing makes you put your life and your relationships in perspective like death. I refuse to let petty nothings come in between my family and I. I know that this isn't going to change anything and that it'll probably be another few years before we all see each other, but this is a step forward for us all.

I really don't know what I just wrote. I hope it makes sense. Time to board. Wish me luck, loves. 

Happy 2011

First post of 2011. Here we go.

There's a lot going on this year.

My sister is getting married.
I'm graduating (!).
I will potentially (read: HOPEFULLY) get a big kid job.

So I thought I'd set my new year's resolutions accordingly:
1. Accept change with patience, understanding, and optimism.
2. Be ready.

Whenever I come home, waves of nostalgia rush over me, and I find myself navigating between the world of big kid and young daughter so much more than usual. When I'm at home, people care what time I'm home at night, someone else cooks me dinner, and it's someone else's house. I don't feel like a guest at home, but I do feel a little less entitlement than I do when I'm away. That's not a bad thing at all, it's just different, and it takes a bit of getting used to. On one hand, it's so nice to be home, to feel taken care of, and to have home-cooked meals. On the other hand, though, I find myself yearning for my independence and to go back to school where I know no one's watching my every move. It's when I'm home that I can't help but think so much about these upcoming months. I'm graduating.

... graduating.


I don't know if its the weird back-to-a-kid feeling I get when I'm home or the realization that my kid room is so far back in my past and so different from who I am now that makes me just shocked at the thought of graduating. Or of my sister getting married. Things are changing. And all I can think is wow.

I'm not a big one for resolutions, but I'm going to truly attempt to stick to these ones. Everyone knows I have a problem with change. I don't deal with it well. I never have. I'm addicted to home and the past and the way things are, and I'm terrified of these being the last moments of life as-is. But I'm starting to realize how inevitable this all is--I can't just NOT graduate... my sister IS getting married. And I'm happy about those things, but I want to stay happy even up to the moment it happens. There's SO much yet to come, and I'm genuinely excited about it all... I just want to stay that way, even as it gets closer. I want to stay as ready for all those moments as I am right now.

NOW December Has Arrived...

I keep glancing over at my blog archive and the December Has Arrived post keeps throwing me off. I don't know why I made that the title of that post. I have absolutely no idea. I think, in my head, I got the idea that because Thanksgiving was getting close that meant December was getting close, which... while partly true, isn't quite true enough for me to announce that December has arrived. I mean really.

But in other news, the semester is winding down. Which, crazy enough, means that the stress level is winding up. But that's not so crazy really, is it? It's school. And I guess that the harder we have to work these next couple of weeks, the more rewarding winter break will be when it finally gets here. And snow should be arriving soon. And imagine if we have no work to do and we can have fantastic adventures playing and walking and building snowmen and sledding and building castles and having snowball fights and...

I really like snow. But I also would really like to have a job. (pretend the train of thought from snow to job is logical please.) And I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Which, while bringing about more stress of course, also has been making me think REALLY hard about what I want to do with my life. (And this loverly post by the amazing Holly made me actually decide to blog about it.)

UPDATE: I had to go to class and save that draft and now I just don't really want to write about post-college (read Holly's plans though!). I'd rather write about snow. And how much I love it. But I'm going to leave the post-college plan paragraph there so it haunts me and I have to think about it later.

Thank you picnik.com! 

This is what I want to happen right now: me in a santa hat. Outside with lots of snow in a santa toboggan hat (is that what those are called?). Preferably not with my nails painted green but whatever. You win some you lose some.

One of my favorite college memories happened in the aftermath of a blizzard. A good friend and I went outside and jumped in snow drifts. Just jumped. We'd run... and jump. SO. MUCH. FUN.

And another time, when I was still in high school, it snowed on Thanksgiving and my sister and I made an obese snow-turkey. His feathers didn't go as high as his head. (snow feathers are HARD!) But it made for good safe snow pictures with the baby cousin (who got to go for his first ever snow-turkey ride!) and therefore was awesome nonetheless.

It snowed yesterday a little bit, but nothing like it should have. Probably the number one reason I love going to school in Iowa is because you can reasonably assume there will be snow on the ground from Thanksgiving to Easter-ish. That doesn't happen in Kansas. In Kansas it snows and melts, snows and melts and it gets all slushy and gross faster and the grass is just mud (instead of covered in a warm fuzzy blanket of SNOW!). So we're a bit behind here in Iowa. But I just keep imagining that the clouds are storing up lots and lots of snow so when it finally does snow a lot, it snows A LOT-A LOT. This is long. Sorry. I'm done. I just want snow. I want to make a big huge castle. And then I want to make those snow pie thingies that Laura and Mary Ingalls used to make. And I want to snuggle in an igloo and drink butterbeer.

End of story. Oh! And all the people that I love will be there. Having fun. In the snow. The end. YAY!

Spring Awakenings

I'm supposed to be studying (who are we kidding, I'm always supposed to be studying), but I'm not. Lo siento. Today was crazy. It started off horrible, and it hasn't ended yet. I'm hopeful that from this point on, despite all the studying, it'll only get better--at the very least, the end of this day will bring the beginning of a new tomorrow. And isn't that what spring is all about?

This has been a year of challenges. I'm proud of how I've handled things and risen above what in the past would have taken me down and broken me. That's an awful thing to admit, but it's true. Though I think I feel it every year, I'm going to say it again: this is the year I made great strides to finding myself--to figuring myself out--to finding out what I believe and what I'm willing to do in sticking to those beliefs. I'm not talking faith (although at times that's a part of it), but simply my own convictions. I'm one of those people that would typically rather avoid confrontation than stand my ground and risk alienating myself or others. This year, I think that changed--though not as much as it could have, I've made great strides.

I apologize for this sounding vague, but it's made me wonder: what does it mean to "find yourself?" I've realized that I think about it all the time--that I decide in my head that I've "found myself," or even sometimes that I've "lost myself." But then at random moments, I sit back and laugh, because how can I lose myself when myself is all I have? Regardless of how confused I am or how much I want to be someone other than who I am, I am still me. Myself. I. Is it simply a matter of clarity and being able to verbalize what I believe that justifies my having "found myself," or is there something more to it? Is it in the actions I take?

I'd love to know your thoughts.