Here we go. Last semester of my college experience. Last semester at Drake. Last semester in the dorms. Last semester picking classes and reading politics books and writing poetry and getting graded on it all. Last semester eating dorm food. Last semester of so many things.
Last 4 months with these amazing people. Last 4 months in this amazing city (which I complain about a lot but love in some weird sentimental way). Last 4 months with these professors. Last 4 months in the safety shadow of this little school I love so much.
So many lasts. And while I know that these 4 months are going to be long, I have this weird scary feeling that they won't be and that someday I'm going to blink and these will all be gone and these lasts will be so far in the past that they were just a dream.
I know that all the lasts will open doors to firsts, like my first job and my first home. Eventually, there'll be my first car that I buy with my money and the first dinner that I host. My first cat, my first set of real dishes (more than two pieces of which will be identical... unlike now), my first... everything.
But there's still something terribly terrifying about all of this. I'm expected to journey straight from lasts to firsts, but that transition seems like such a harsh one. Going from high school to college, the focus was the same: go to class. My mom always told me that school was my number one priority. Even if I was frustrated with making new friends or being uncomfortable with the food or being homesick... it didn't matter, because I was here to go to class, first and foremost. Everything else was secondary. Quickly (although at the time, it seemed slowly), I made new friends, grew to love my independence, and the homesickness subsided, and even though I knew that school was (is, really) my main priority, everything else was important too, and everything else made (and is making) my experience here so completely worthwhile. But that comfort of class and the academic routine helped with that transition, and this next transition is going to be different. What is my main priority now? This is my life. It isn't a game. It isn't 100% about a job and school, but in many ways, that is a main mental focus. And what about my heart? I have a deep love and passion for school and academics, and that's partly why, I believe, my mother told me to focus on that when I was having a hard time. But that's not going to be possible anymore. I guess it's just interesting. I feel so rooted in this path right now, but at the end of these 4 months, this canyon I've been walking in is going to level out and it's going to be wide open something or other. Maybe desert. Maybe jungle. I don't know. And I'm so excited. But so terrified. And so amazed at what life has offered me so far. I just don't know how to feel. I hate change. I'm notorious for hating change. What do I do with this now? What do I do with these lasts? How do you prepare for so many lasts? How do you savor these last cozy months in the big tall canyon?
Last 4 months with these amazing people. Last 4 months in this amazing city (which I complain about a lot but love in some weird sentimental way). Last 4 months with these professors. Last 4 months in the safety shadow of this little school I love so much.
So many lasts. And while I know that these 4 months are going to be long, I have this weird scary feeling that they won't be and that someday I'm going to blink and these will all be gone and these lasts will be so far in the past that they were just a dream.
I know that all the lasts will open doors to firsts, like my first job and my first home. Eventually, there'll be my first car that I buy with my money and the first dinner that I host. My first cat, my first set of real dishes (more than two pieces of which will be identical... unlike now), my first... everything.
But there's still something terribly terrifying about all of this. I'm expected to journey straight from lasts to firsts, but that transition seems like such a harsh one. Going from high school to college, the focus was the same: go to class. My mom always told me that school was my number one priority. Even if I was frustrated with making new friends or being uncomfortable with the food or being homesick... it didn't matter, because I was here to go to class, first and foremost. Everything else was secondary. Quickly (although at the time, it seemed slowly), I made new friends, grew to love my independence, and the homesickness subsided, and even though I knew that school was (is, really) my main priority, everything else was important too, and everything else made (and is making) my experience here so completely worthwhile. But that comfort of class and the academic routine helped with that transition, and this next transition is going to be different. What is my main priority now? This is my life. It isn't a game. It isn't 100% about a job and school, but in many ways, that is a main mental focus. And what about my heart? I have a deep love and passion for school and academics, and that's partly why, I believe, my mother told me to focus on that when I was having a hard time. But that's not going to be possible anymore. I guess it's just interesting. I feel so rooted in this path right now, but at the end of these 4 months, this canyon I've been walking in is going to level out and it's going to be wide open something or other. Maybe desert. Maybe jungle. I don't know. And I'm so excited. But so terrified. And so amazed at what life has offered me so far. I just don't know how to feel. I hate change. I'm notorious for hating change. What do I do with this now? What do I do with these lasts? How do you prepare for so many lasts? How do you savor these last cozy months in the big tall canyon?
