Little Mysteries

To know a friend is gone from this world and has passed on to the next is a terrible thing to know. RIP Friend. My first college "dance" goes to you.

This was a weekend full of ups and downs. It snowed again. A beautiful fresh snow that came down like the flakes in a snowglobe. I went out at 11 PM Saturday night with two friends of mine and we just sat there and caught snowflakes on our tongues. It sounds ridiculous. It probably was. But it was beautiful, and I can honestly say it was one of my favorite memories of this year. We went sledding, lost my friend's white phone in the snow and found it 20 minutes later. What luck!

Things aren't always so bad. And sometimes they are. It's a part of life, I think. And it makes you wonder how we make it through without losing our minds. There's sledding and there's loss. How can those two even match up to each other on any level? How are they comparable in any world?

Words are failing me. I don't know what the point of sledding this weekend was. I was supposed to be wrapped up in homework, pissed off at the world for reasons that don't need to be mentioned. But instead, I accidentally put my work hours in the sub log, had nothing to do at 9 PM on a Saturday night and found myself laughing hysterically in shin-deep snow with two girls I haven't had a chance to hang out with much this year. How is that possible? That something as simple as snow and laughter can make loss a little more okay?

The mysteries of the world, man. I will never understand them.

Semester of Lasts

Here we go. Last semester of my college experience. Last semester at Drake. Last semester in the dorms. Last semester picking classes and reading politics books and writing poetry and getting graded on it all. Last semester eating dorm food. Last semester of so many things.

Last 4 months with these amazing people. Last 4 months in this amazing city (which I complain about a lot but love in some weird sentimental way). Last 4 months with these professors. Last 4 months in the safety shadow of this little school I love so much.

So many lasts. And while I know that these 4 months are going to be long, I have this weird scary feeling that they won't be and that someday I'm going to blink and these will all be gone and these lasts will be so far in the past that they were just a dream.

I know that all the lasts will open doors to firsts, like my first job and my first home. Eventually, there'll be my first car that I buy with my money and the first dinner that I host. My first cat, my first set of real dishes (more than two pieces of which will be identical... unlike now), my first... everything.

But there's still something terribly terrifying about all of this. I'm expected to journey straight from lasts to firsts, but that transition seems like such a harsh one. Going from high school to college, the focus was the same: go to class. My mom always told me that school was my number one priority. Even if I was frustrated with making new friends or being uncomfortable with the food or being homesick... it didn't matter, because I was here to go to class, first and foremost. Everything else was secondary. Quickly (although at the time, it seemed slowly), I made new friends, grew to love my independence, and the homesickness subsided, and even though I knew that school was  (is, really) my main priority, everything else was important too, and everything else made (and is making) my experience here so completely worthwhile. But that comfort of class and the academic routine helped with that transition, and this next transition is going to be different. What is my main priority now? This is my life. It isn't a game. It isn't 100% about a job and school, but in many ways, that is a main mental focus. And what about my heart? I have a deep love and passion for school and academics, and that's partly why, I believe, my mother  told me to focus on that when I was having a hard time. But that's not going to be possible anymore. I guess it's just interesting. I feel so rooted in this path right now, but at the end of these 4 months, this canyon I've been walking in is going to level out and it's going to be wide open something or other. Maybe desert. Maybe jungle. I don't know. And I'm so excited. But so terrified. And so amazed at what life has offered me so far. I just don't know how to feel. I hate change. I'm notorious for hating change. What do I do with this now? What do I do with these lasts? How do you prepare for so many lasts? How do you savor these last cozy months in the big tall canyon?

Lo Siento

First off, just wanted to say: I hope those last two posts don't sound completely pity-me. That's not my intention at all. At any given moment, we're all dealing with stuff, and I completely understand that. I'm so blessed to be where I'm at right now. I just wish that those I'm close to were doing a little bit better.

On a somewhat related, somewhat not note, I've been reflecting on what it means to take care of yourself. And no, I don't mean shaving your legs and brushing your teeth. I mean, at what point in life is it important and necessary to focus only on yourself--on fixing your issues on taking care of your own problems and temporarily shutting off outside contact so that you can regain a little composure? I guess I worry that lately I've been shutting others out when they need me, because part of me is terrified to hear what other horrible things are happening to others that I love and another part of me is afraid that I can't give my full 100% attention to anything anymore, because literally, 24/7, I'm thinking "I hope so-and-so is okay...I hope I hope I hope..." And slowly, that's already going away a little bit as I get better at prioritizing, at looking at the bright side, and figuring out that this is one moment in time, not an eternity---that some of this stuff HAS to get better for my friends and family. I just don't want to neglect anyone else in the process. And I worry that I'm already doing that without realizing it.

Not that anyone reads this, but I apologize if I've neglected to give anyone my complete and full attention lately. I'm trying. And working on it. And I know that everyone else is going through stuff and needing to get stuff off their chests as well. So just to let you know-- hugs from me are always a guaranteed. I'm here. And thank you to those that have dealt with my extra-bitchiness and isolationist tendencies lately. I'm more grateful than I'll ever be able to express.

Stay awesome.