Forever and a day

It's been forever and a day since I posted.

And now I'm sitting in the Denver airport with five minutes to go until boarding. The Bachelor (the women tell all episode) would not cooperate with me, and I figured now is as good a time as any to try to regain some of my lost blogging dignity.

I've been thinking a lot about family, lately. I'll be seeing cousins I haven't seen in years. The cousins I'm actually closest in age to on my mom's side. They are also, incidentally, the cousins I live closest to. It bothers me that we never see each other, although we live within 20 minutes of each other. But yet, here we are (or will be soon), all together again to celebrate a wonderful life that has passed. And when I sit and think about it, the last time I saw my cousins was to celebrate a different life.

Why is it that we can't seem to manage to make time for each other until someone passes away? Part of me thinks it's just downright stupid. (That's one of my words of the week. That and damn.) I mean, seriously. We don't even make it to see each other at Thanksgiving or Christmas. It's only when someone dies that we drop everything and hop on planes to be with each other. To console each other. But I've been stirring this around in my head for a few days now, and I've decided I'm okay with that. If we only see each other once every few years, at least it's during a time when we really need each other. At least it's during a time we've all set aside to celebrate life. I don't know what it all means, and I know that as much as I keep saying "celebrate" I really mean mourn. Because that's the kind of person I am.

But at least this is an opportunity for reconciliation. Nothing makes you put your life and your relationships in perspective like death. I refuse to let petty nothings come in between my family and I. I know that this isn't going to change anything and that it'll probably be another few years before we all see each other, but this is a step forward for us all.

I really don't know what I just wrote. I hope it makes sense. Time to board. Wish me luck, loves. 

Little Mysteries

To know a friend is gone from this world and has passed on to the next is a terrible thing to know. RIP Friend. My first college "dance" goes to you.

This was a weekend full of ups and downs. It snowed again. A beautiful fresh snow that came down like the flakes in a snowglobe. I went out at 11 PM Saturday night with two friends of mine and we just sat there and caught snowflakes on our tongues. It sounds ridiculous. It probably was. But it was beautiful, and I can honestly say it was one of my favorite memories of this year. We went sledding, lost my friend's white phone in the snow and found it 20 minutes later. What luck!

Things aren't always so bad. And sometimes they are. It's a part of life, I think. And it makes you wonder how we make it through without losing our minds. There's sledding and there's loss. How can those two even match up to each other on any level? How are they comparable in any world?

Words are failing me. I don't know what the point of sledding this weekend was. I was supposed to be wrapped up in homework, pissed off at the world for reasons that don't need to be mentioned. But instead, I accidentally put my work hours in the sub log, had nothing to do at 9 PM on a Saturday night and found myself laughing hysterically in shin-deep snow with two girls I haven't had a chance to hang out with much this year. How is that possible? That something as simple as snow and laughter can make loss a little more okay?

The mysteries of the world, man. I will never understand them.

Helluva September

It's been one hell of a September. And I'm not sure how to take it anymore. To put it as simply as possible, I feel as though I'm on a teeny tiny dinghy in the middle of the ocean with a radio and no oars. I keep getting distress calls from other teeny tiny dinghies in other, much more disastrous, stormy parts of the ocean, but without my oars I can't help. Furthermore, I'm terrified of when the storm is actually going to hit ME.

Without boring you with all the tiny details (some of which aren't mine to give), I'll just say that this month has plummeted my circle of family, friends, and acquaintances through too many heart-wrenching moments and experiences.

And through it all, all I can think, how SHORT is this life. And what do I have to show for it? I'm so focused on the future, yet, as one of my best friends is always telling me, I know I need to focus on today, because today is all I have. But sometimes focusing on the future is the only thing that gets me through the day, and that's where I run into a roadblock. How do we deal with the pain of the present without imagining the future of tomorrow and the relief it might bring? But what if there IS no tomorrow?

If I could punch any word in the face right now, it'd be mortality. Not because I'm opposed to the concept, but because, well, quite frankly, knowing about it sucks. I wish it was invisible. I feel like that's the way it should be. When you start pushing 80 or something, then, maybe it can start creeping up on us, but until then, why can't we all just dream about the forevers we have ahead of us? It isn't fair that I can still (sort of) dream about my future while others around me have had theirs completely taken from them, or are forced to live in a hospital in such mortal fear that it will be taken away from them. Or still that there are some who are so afraid of that future that they feel the only way to stop the advancement of that impending future of pain is by inducing mortality themselves.

Good un-September-y Times... how I miss thee.

And you know what, Mortality? You just piss me off.

But on another note, I went to mass today. Those of you that know me know of my struggles with faith. But anyhoo, I forgot about all my issues with the church today and made progress: instead of sitting in church being pissed off at the church, I sat there pissed off about all the bad stuff that's been happening to everyone I know. And I'm hoping now that God heard some of it. We need a better October.

So: Adrianne, Megs, Jilly, Libs, Drew, Tony, C, Ry, Roo... I love you guys. And I was pissy at God for you today. Well, and all of September. And pretty much for forever. Stay strong, take care of us from up there, know that I love you wherever you are (take whichever statement applies to you).

And to the Big Dude upstairs: how hard is it to give a girl some oars?