Something to Smile About

I wanna' share a piece of good news I just found out: the cancer kid is officially in remission. :) Damn girl! :) :) :)

Lo Siento

First off, just wanted to say: I hope those last two posts don't sound completely pity-me. That's not my intention at all. At any given moment, we're all dealing with stuff, and I completely understand that. I'm so blessed to be where I'm at right now. I just wish that those I'm close to were doing a little bit better.

On a somewhat related, somewhat not note, I've been reflecting on what it means to take care of yourself. And no, I don't mean shaving your legs and brushing your teeth. I mean, at what point in life is it important and necessary to focus only on yourself--on fixing your issues on taking care of your own problems and temporarily shutting off outside contact so that you can regain a little composure? I guess I worry that lately I've been shutting others out when they need me, because part of me is terrified to hear what other horrible things are happening to others that I love and another part of me is afraid that I can't give my full 100% attention to anything anymore, because literally, 24/7, I'm thinking "I hope so-and-so is okay...I hope I hope I hope..." And slowly, that's already going away a little bit as I get better at prioritizing, at looking at the bright side, and figuring out that this is one moment in time, not an eternity---that some of this stuff HAS to get better for my friends and family. I just don't want to neglect anyone else in the process. And I worry that I'm already doing that without realizing it.

Not that anyone reads this, but I apologize if I've neglected to give anyone my complete and full attention lately. I'm trying. And working on it. And I know that everyone else is going through stuff and needing to get stuff off their chests as well. So just to let you know-- hugs from me are always a guaranteed. I'm here. And thank you to those that have dealt with my extra-bitchiness and isolationist tendencies lately. I'm more grateful than I'll ever be able to express.

Stay awesome.

Engine Coolant AKA Antifreeze

Today, (well, yesterday, but I really truly discovered it today) my car started leaking antifreeze, the orange stuff that keeps the engine from overheating. Every time I stopped at a stop light/sign/whathaveyou, white smoke would come out from under the hood of my car. And when you're as paranoid as I am, white smoke, even just a little, is not okay. Thoughts start racing through my head: "My car's going to blow up. My CAR is going to blow up. My car is going to BLOW up. My car is going to blow UP." And I go frantic when I can't reach my parents on their cell phone (I don't care if I'm 20 or not, my dad can fix anything.) Unfortunately, the problem is ultimately up to me to fix, as my parents are 3 hours away. They're helpful, yes, but the solving the problem is, in the end, completely up to me.

And then, due to my damn writer's brain, I started thinking about my life, and I'm pretty sure that this month my emotional persona has been leaking antifreeze. I mean, when I really sit and think about it, I feel like that's what it is. All of these little things have been piling on top of each other... all these little worries I'm harboring about the sick/dying/missing people in my life have created enough pressure that something's snapped a little. You can smell the bitchiness in the air a little more than normal, and that little gauge is inching dangerously close to the danger zone (ignore my redundancy in that statement. Maybe I'll think of better words later). My point is, where do you find a mechanic to fix that kind of leak? I need more antifreeze... more anti-emotional flip-out shit. And unfortunately, as much as my parents and friends try to help me, ultimately, it's up to me. Even though many of them are dealing with the same stuff I am right now, though, they don't run the same way I do... and it takes personal mechanic-ness (word choice... help!) to figure out what to do.

Apologies if my metaphor wasn't quite on par, but that's literally what's been going through my head. I have absolutely no control over any of the issues I'm worried about, but I DO have control over my reaction. (What's that cheesy saying? "Life is 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it?" or something?) My first step in repairing the leak in my emotional persona (I'm going to name her Mandy... I think it's a pretty name) was to spend the whole weekend locked in my room (this was also due partly to rain... I wasn't being a completely anti-social bitch) doing arts and crafts. The end result: a new piece of art, a bite into the chunk of christmas presents I have to give, reduced stress levels, and a LITTLE patch of one broken pipe has been slightly repaired.

Now the question is, what is going to happen to my car?

Helluva September

It's been one hell of a September. And I'm not sure how to take it anymore. To put it as simply as possible, I feel as though I'm on a teeny tiny dinghy in the middle of the ocean with a radio and no oars. I keep getting distress calls from other teeny tiny dinghies in other, much more disastrous, stormy parts of the ocean, but without my oars I can't help. Furthermore, I'm terrified of when the storm is actually going to hit ME.

Without boring you with all the tiny details (some of which aren't mine to give), I'll just say that this month has plummeted my circle of family, friends, and acquaintances through too many heart-wrenching moments and experiences.

And through it all, all I can think, how SHORT is this life. And what do I have to show for it? I'm so focused on the future, yet, as one of my best friends is always telling me, I know I need to focus on today, because today is all I have. But sometimes focusing on the future is the only thing that gets me through the day, and that's where I run into a roadblock. How do we deal with the pain of the present without imagining the future of tomorrow and the relief it might bring? But what if there IS no tomorrow?

If I could punch any word in the face right now, it'd be mortality. Not because I'm opposed to the concept, but because, well, quite frankly, knowing about it sucks. I wish it was invisible. I feel like that's the way it should be. When you start pushing 80 or something, then, maybe it can start creeping up on us, but until then, why can't we all just dream about the forevers we have ahead of us? It isn't fair that I can still (sort of) dream about my future while others around me have had theirs completely taken from them, or are forced to live in a hospital in such mortal fear that it will be taken away from them. Or still that there are some who are so afraid of that future that they feel the only way to stop the advancement of that impending future of pain is by inducing mortality themselves.

Good un-September-y Times... how I miss thee.

And you know what, Mortality? You just piss me off.

But on another note, I went to mass today. Those of you that know me know of my struggles with faith. But anyhoo, I forgot about all my issues with the church today and made progress: instead of sitting in church being pissed off at the church, I sat there pissed off about all the bad stuff that's been happening to everyone I know. And I'm hoping now that God heard some of it. We need a better October.

So: Adrianne, Megs, Jilly, Libs, Drew, Tony, C, Ry, Roo... I love you guys. And I was pissy at God for you today. Well, and all of September. And pretty much for forever. Stay strong, take care of us from up there, know that I love you wherever you are (take whichever statement applies to you).

And to the Big Dude upstairs: how hard is it to give a girl some oars?