Helluva September

It's been one hell of a September. And I'm not sure how to take it anymore. To put it as simply as possible, I feel as though I'm on a teeny tiny dinghy in the middle of the ocean with a radio and no oars. I keep getting distress calls from other teeny tiny dinghies in other, much more disastrous, stormy parts of the ocean, but without my oars I can't help. Furthermore, I'm terrified of when the storm is actually going to hit ME.

Without boring you with all the tiny details (some of which aren't mine to give), I'll just say that this month has plummeted my circle of family, friends, and acquaintances through too many heart-wrenching moments and experiences.

And through it all, all I can think, how SHORT is this life. And what do I have to show for it? I'm so focused on the future, yet, as one of my best friends is always telling me, I know I need to focus on today, because today is all I have. But sometimes focusing on the future is the only thing that gets me through the day, and that's where I run into a roadblock. How do we deal with the pain of the present without imagining the future of tomorrow and the relief it might bring? But what if there IS no tomorrow?

If I could punch any word in the face right now, it'd be mortality. Not because I'm opposed to the concept, but because, well, quite frankly, knowing about it sucks. I wish it was invisible. I feel like that's the way it should be. When you start pushing 80 or something, then, maybe it can start creeping up on us, but until then, why can't we all just dream about the forevers we have ahead of us? It isn't fair that I can still (sort of) dream about my future while others around me have had theirs completely taken from them, or are forced to live in a hospital in such mortal fear that it will be taken away from them. Or still that there are some who are so afraid of that future that they feel the only way to stop the advancement of that impending future of pain is by inducing mortality themselves.

Good un-September-y Times... how I miss thee.

And you know what, Mortality? You just piss me off.

But on another note, I went to mass today. Those of you that know me know of my struggles with faith. But anyhoo, I forgot about all my issues with the church today and made progress: instead of sitting in church being pissed off at the church, I sat there pissed off about all the bad stuff that's been happening to everyone I know. And I'm hoping now that God heard some of it. We need a better October.

So: Adrianne, Megs, Jilly, Libs, Drew, Tony, C, Ry, Roo... I love you guys. And I was pissy at God for you today. Well, and all of September. And pretty much for forever. Stay strong, take care of us from up there, know that I love you wherever you are (take whichever statement applies to you).

And to the Big Dude upstairs: how hard is it to give a girl some oars?