MERRY CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas! :)

Cetus a petus!

So many interesting things!

First: The boy is 25 today! Happy birthday Boy! Going to see him in a couple of hours and give him his presents. So exciting!

Second: The winter solstice is today! It's the first day of winter! Whooo! That means it's the shortest day and the longest night.

Third: There was a lunar eclipse this morning. I would have written about it in preparation if I'd known, but I literally happened to be on facebook at midnight-ish and saw that people were talking about it. Walked outside, and lo and behold, it's the moon being all awesome. The pictures above are a couple of the many I took. My tripod didn't cooperate very well, but I tried.

Anyways: EXCITEMENT! I'm hoping that all this excitement is just predicting the most awesome rest of break ever.

Home :)

Guess who's home? In the same state as the boy and her family? This girl!

Guess who had to clean up her desk because mom wants to redo it? Empty nest syndrome my arse. Anyhoo. Here's what resulted. (PS: I'm slightly coming down with something maybe possibly and can't focus quite the way I intended, therefore, this is kinda' sparse, I'm afraid, but hopefully somewhat amusing? Maybe?)

Also: shout out to the lovely Audrey, who gave me the most comfortable PJ pants EVER, which I was wearing until a second ago when I changed because the boy is coming over and I thought maybe I'd put on real pants. But STILL. They rock. And I have a picture, but it's on my phone which is upstairs and not with its phone card converter uploader thingy. So that will come later. But follow her blog! She's going to Spain in less than a month! Be jealous!

Here begins a tiny smattering of finds from cleaning up the Jess-Mess:

First: the dog. 

The sad thing is, I made this dog my senior year of high school. Maybe you're thinking, "it's not THAT bad--its eyes are just a little weird." But you're wrong.

What you didn't see is that this dog lives in a hat. Why? Because I realized that I can't sculpt dog bodies. The awesome part? My teacher thought it was creative. Nevermind that my hat is the lumpiest hat I've ever seen. Also, please ignore my awkward smile. 

The sad thing is that this next creation is ALSO from my senior year of high school, which was only a few short years ago. Hence, I realize that you thought you were gonna' see cute little-kid things, but most of those are hidden way away somewhere. Now I just have shit that I thought was cool that's really not. Anyways. This is a cup. Looks innocent enough, right? 

Until you see the inside, where for some reason I felt the need to make it look bloody. Who wants a drink of blood? Anybody? Didn't think so. Luckily, there's a bloodless plate that matches. 

I didn't make this. But I was wondering: what is it? I got it as a gift one year, and I'm still not sure what exactly I'm supposed to do with it. It LOOKS like some kind of bath soaper-upper apparatus, but that netting stuff on it is scratchy and I don't think I'd want to use that in the shower. Whatever. I just thought I'd throw that out here and ask what it is. 

This reads: "oh my! a spill!" I don't know why I felt the need to draw that. I'm pretty sure that was from middle school at the latest. I just... a spill? Really? 

This is an incredibly awkward drawing of homeostasis.

DRAGON!!! ... I don't know why his belly is so spiky/fuzzy. Weird. 

This is a book I wrote when I was 9 I believe. It's called, "The Adventures of Marcy." 

This is my favorite part. It says: "This is dedicated to my teacher--who taught me very skilled things." Gotta' love those teachers that teach you skilled things. 

Last but not least I shall leave you with the beginning of a short story I wrote. (It doesn't have an end. Or a middle for that matter. This is it.) It must have been early high school or something because my cursive was good, but I don't recall ever being into sci-fi or environmental stuff like this. Whatever. Here goes: 

The DEMISE of UMAY! (Universal Monarchy of Angry Youth)

(UMAY vs. Ozonautical Optimists Club!)

Zooming through the asteroid belt at light speed is a rare treat for a young child living on Pluto, but, it is in fact, an even rarer treat for a 128 year old man. Even though life expectancy exploded to the century and a half mark fifty years ago, not many people this old can be found hanging out in the non-terrestrial vaccum of air that is the space in Outer, sector 9132 of the Universal Monarchy of Angry Youth (UMAY). Most of the senior population of the Universe chose to remain near the sun and in the Milky Way Galaxy when the new Biniverse opened up in May of 4125. The UMAY faced opposition from many organized groups of Universal Seniors, especially the Ozonautical Optimists Club, which claimed that if the UMAY continued to promote personal Rockships as the primary mode of transportation, not only would the Spacebus program lose millions of dollars for the Save the Earthan Landfill campaign, but the surplus exhaust from personal Rockships would cause Mars’ ozone layer to suffer the same fate as that of the Earthan Landfill which was destroyed over 2,000 years ago. 

End of story. End of post. Enjoy.

Zombie Week

Welcome to Zombie week, yall.

Well, actually, you're kinda' late. The majority of it is over. One paper left to turn in in the AM and then I'm in Kansas with my boy, who has promised to sing to me while we make Christmas cookies. He is the best!

In order to prevent death by boredom on your part, as very little has happened in my life this week other than studying, I'll explain my week through pictures:

 I survived the week on chocolate, "Twist Up" (some version of Sprite), Mac and cheese, soup, and Coffee. Seriously one of my worst weeks ever in terms of food. I only ate things I was sure would give me energy. Except the mac n' cheese. That's just yummy. But anyhoo. The Dove wrapper gets a spotlight in the blog because I cussed at it. At the moment I opened it, I'm pretty sure it was already after 2 or 3 AM on one of my 5 or 6 AM bedtime nights. Classy, I know. Sad the things that piss you off when you'd rather do anything other than finals. 

This picture serves to illustrate one of my many creative methods of procrastination (although just for the record, I finished my stuff early, so obviously I'm not the best procrastinator in the world). Anyways. I combed my hair out completely, which I rarely do because I have curly hair and when I comb it out completely (instead of just untangling it in the shower which is usually enough) it comes out frizzy as hell, like this. And then I sent my mother this picture so she would understand why I never comb it out completely. She said she thought it was cute and I looked young. Fail. 

Got this AWESOME chocolate penguin from a friend tonight for Christmas. How cute is THAT? I'm seriously geeking out about this (can you technically geek out about chocolate? I feel like "freak" out doesn't express my emotion like geek does). Don't know how I'm gonna' eat something so cute. 

And last but not least, I want to introduce you to Robot Unicorn Attack! Robot Unicorn Attack is an online adventure in which you, Robot Unicorn, run and leap from rocky/hill thing to rocky/hill thing, blasting stars with your horn. If you run into a star without blasting it or heaven forbid you run into a rocky/hill thing instead of jumping over/under it, you die. SO. MUCH. FUN! 

Tomorrow = home. Next week = boy's birthday and then Christmas! I think I did a good job getting him stuff this year, but I'm not entirely sure I'm done yet. BUT I love the mall at home, so I'm excited to do some shopping there anyways. Just wish I had more money. Then I'd get him a jetpack and a transporter, although I suppose if I got him one it'd be kinda' pointless to get him the other. Although, he could use the transporter to come visit me on the weekends (much faster than jetpack travel), but when we're home together, we could use our jetpacks (I'd have one too) and go flying like this. 

... maybe next year? 

Peace out. 

It's here :)

The silence of a snowed-in world. 

A blizzard rages and I'm all alone in the middle of it. 

This is perfection. 

I took both of these pictures last night while walking home from a party. While I hate worrying about driving in the snow and it pains me to think about those that have no home and are seeking shelter on these bitter cold Iowa nights, I can't help but consider snow a little gift from above. There's just something beautiful about the way it covers everything--completely changes the world in so short a time--combats darkness with white fluffiness. I was going nuts the whole way home last night. Suffice it to say, I am a very happy camper, but that is also in part due to the fact that I'm currently sitting in Starbucks sipping a peppermint mocha and listening to Christmas music bundled warmly in my favorite hoodie. Life is good, peeps, and I hope it is for you too.

Stay safe. Stay warm. Enjoy this beautiful world.

Why I'm a Writing Major

In lieu of a normal post (blame dead week/upcoming zombie week), I decided to leave you with a little poem I wrote with a group in my poetry class on September 1st, 2010. (Quick explanation: first person writes an article and an adjective then folds the paper and passes it to the next person. 2nd person does the same, only writing a noun. 3rd person a verb, 4th person an article and an adjective, and the 5th person writes another noun. And voila! You have a poem). Anyways, it's cool because none of us knew what the others had written until the end. This is our poem. Enjoy. 

Just in case you can't read it, it reads:

The fatal 

feces

charms

a disgusting

boy. 

(Also: a shout-out to my poetry class people if any of you see this: E114 2010 = best class of my life. I love you all, and you kept me sane this semester. Never change.) 

Life As I Currently Know It

I've been taking notes about the interesting (ish) things that have happened to me (EDIT: not that interesting. sorry.) that I want to write about. Oh! And I took a picture on my phone I need to upload. If you're tired of my phone pictures, feel free to send me a smart phone. I don't mind.

Here's my list (written on the hand of yours truly). I will explain further later.

• leggings (I like calling them leggings. But some people call them leggins What's the real term? Gah.) 
• responsible coat
• disaster area
• Cee Lo

Leggings
(from: http://www.amazon.com/American-Apparel
-Cotton-Spandex-Legging/dp/B000YEDW8E)

Leggings: I have discovered the secret to true happiness. Wearing leggings under pants. Specifically under sweatpants, but it works under jeans too. Leggings are WARM when you're cold and the windchill is in the single digits like it has been (but currently it is 10! woo! double digits!). Also, you know how when you shave your legs and put on sweat pants, it feels really really good because your legs are smooth and your sweatpants are fuzzy? I don't know why or how, but wearing leggings under sweatpants feels like that. 

Long Underwear
(from: http://www.kaboodle.com/reviews/ladies-
petite-silk-long-underwear-tops-bottoms-in-petite-sizes)

Also. People. Essentially leggings are the same as long underwear. Look at the pictures. Long underwear. Leggings. SAME THING. I'm not fashionable or trendy and I'm not gonna' lie and say that I don't think leggings are cute with a pair of Uggs under a dress, but there's a reason you're cold if all you're wearing are leggings. The windchill is 5. You're just wearing underwear. Think about it. 

Responsible coat: This is not to say that my coat itself is responsible, but I was going to write about how my mother would be so proud of me to know that I've actually been wearing my winter coat lately. You know that weirdo that every college campus has who wears flip-flops, shorts, and teeshirts in winter? Well, I don't go THAT far (though I did wear flip flops out in the snow frequently when I lived 30 seconds from the dining hall), but I usually just wear hoodies, sweats, and boots. No coat. I don't know what exactly my point is here other than that maybe there's hope for me being a responsible adult someday because dang it I've been wearing my coat! Go me! 

Disaster area: This is supposed to be accompanied with a before and after picture of my room. Except I have no before picture and no after picture YET. Before and after what you might add? Dead week. Zombie week. Gah. My room USED to look like a tornado sight. NOW it looks like a tornado attacked a town and THEn zombie monsters that like to read came and set up camp. And they like to eat clementines. And. Okay, this isn't funny. I keep trying to think up a good analogy for how bad my room looks. I need a picture. Sorry for this pointless paragraph. 

EDIT: I just tried to take a picture. And realized it was scary embarrassing how messy my room is. It's not dirty or anything-- it's just so dang cluttered. I have papers EVERYWHERE and five jillion pairs of shoes. I don't know where I got so many shoes. Anyone that knows me knows I'm not even much of a shoe girl. 

Cee Lo: My professor played Cee Lo's hit song the name of which I don't want to mention in this blog. I know I said penis once, but the F word is a tad different. And I don't want you to have to click through a series of things saying that you understand I have "adult content" on my blog, because I really don't. In fact, I believe my blog illustrates the epitome of anti-adult-hood. Though maybe not in the sense that Blogger means. I make no sense. Shutting up about Cee Lo now. I just thought it was sweet that she did that. Also, our entire lecture was about obscenity and profanity, and did you know that in Spanish, it is apparently an insult/recognized phrase to say "My donkey knows more than you?" 

I see butterflies!

fighting embryos. or butterflies. or a
Christmas tree! (I have festive skin)

Do you see the E? Sort of? 

It's been bothering me last night that I didn't know what THIS was called (Erythema ab igne. I mean, of all things--THAT'S what it's called? it looks like BS.) Anyways. Last night, while skyping the boy, I was sitting in my round fuzzy gray chair with my feet propped up on the windowsill so my legs would get warm and toasty from the heater which is right under the window. I wanted my legs toasty in the whimsical mmmmm-I-just-ate-a-stomach-and-my-heart-feels-fuzzy-and-toasty kind of way [EDIT: that was supposed to be "ate-a-smore..." but I couldn't completely change it because that typo makes me smile and smiles are few and far between during dead week]. Not in the toaster strudel kind of way. But that's what happened. My pictures suck because I had to take them on my phone because I was skyping the boy and he kept giving me weird faces and comments whenever he caught me looking at the backs of my legs and shouting out the random things I saw in them. Like an E. Or skulls. (last night the bigger one looked like a skull or a mean face or a Christmas tree. But today I see fighting embryos. Like twins in the womb. That fight each other.) Plus, I was too lazy to get my camera out. I considered using my computer but that would have involved stopping my skype session with boy and in boy vs. fighting embryos, boy always wins.

Anyways. Just for the record, the weird skin things went away after 20 minutes. I don't have some scary disease. I just sit too close to the heater sometimes. Maybe if I kept my heat at a mid-level all the time instead of turning it off and waiting until I'm freezing and then turning it on high and sitting really close to it, that would never have happened. Also, I was wearing shorts. Usually when I do that I'm wearing pants (which makes sense because I'm cold. I don't know why I was wearing shorts last night). Whatever. But beware people. Apparently this can also be called toasted skin syndrome (that makes so much more sense than jiggerythiglsosoleditcheesas or whatever it's really called), and it's recently been in the news more often because people do this to themselves while using laptops. I'm so glad that I, living in the 21st century, where awesome things like laptops pose health issues, get burned [ish] by really old radiator things. Totally 21st century. (By the way I'm not complaining. I actually like it. And I'm thankful I have heat. I'm just saying: laptops... really old radiator... laptop... really old radiator. Interesting.)

Really old radiator thingy

In other news, I am the queen of procrastination. Today I read through almost all of Allie's old blog entries, played snake 59382018475903 times, read my boss' paper for the 3rd time (I don't know why but I can totally focus when reading other people's stuff... just not my own!), googled my skin thingy for a long time, listened to an entire album of Sara Evans and read the lyrics at the same time, watched 20 minutes of Wizard of Oz (that was actually for class though-- but watching it again didn't make me change my mind that it's really really dark and shouldn't be labeled a kid's movie), braided my hair, lost my card thingy for my phone to put my pictures on this blog (which is why this post has taken at least 45 minutes to write), and... other stuff. I don't even remember now. I also wrote a bit and got some stuff done. I wasn't entirely non-productive, but I'm constantly impressed with my ability to procrastinate.

... that's all.

Posting makes me feel productive

Hello dead week. It is officially the weekend before dead week, which in my mind is the legitimate START of dead week because all of campus is in study mode. Except for all those people on my floor that went out last night. And all the people who updated their facebook statuses to say they were going out. Ok, I'm going to PRETEND that all of campus is in study mode, because otherwise I'll feel even worse about myself because *I* am studying all weekend. Except for now of course. And those couple of moments I took breaks last night to play snake.

Yes. You heard me right. Snake. Do you remember this game? It was awesome. Back in the good ole days-- sayyy 2005, it was on my cell phone. Which means you probably haven't had it on YOUR cell phone since 2003. I didn't get a color phone until 06 or 07. ANYHOO. Snake was the best game ever. That was my point.

I just think dead week needs to be renamed. Can you really call it anything more depressing? I know that in the heads of some people dead week is supposed to mean dead as in no active assignments or tests due that week, etc, etc, but in reality the dead refers to the students... not the classes. I feel like my impending papers, projects, presentations and tests are slowly killing me with a meat cleaver. By the end of the week I will appropriately be dead. My sister (who has agreed to guest blog over winter break! YAY! about parasites! YAY!) agrees with me--or rather I agree with her, since she first mentioned it when I said, "hey what should I blog about?" (hint: if you have anything I should blog about give me a shout out).

Anyhoo. I therefore propose that we rename finals week: Zombie Week. First comes death. Then comes zombification. YAY. Then Christmas. (PS: this zombie wants THIS  [belowwwww] for Christmas).

picture from: http://www.animalcareclinicslo.com/blog/

Isn't he just adorable? AHHHH so cute. So much cuter than this:

pic from: http://www.sodahead.com/fun/is-it-just-me-or-is-soda-head-dead-tonight/question-950376/

Which is what it would look like if it went to college and had Zombie Week too. This is why cats don't go to college. In case you were wondering (I know you were). 

Lo siento para la pointless post. Must get back to writing papers/slowly getting killed by a meat cleaver.

NOW December Has Arrived...

I keep glancing over at my blog archive and the December Has Arrived post keeps throwing me off. I don't know why I made that the title of that post. I have absolutely no idea. I think, in my head, I got the idea that because Thanksgiving was getting close that meant December was getting close, which... while partly true, isn't quite true enough for me to announce that December has arrived. I mean really.

But in other news, the semester is winding down. Which, crazy enough, means that the stress level is winding up. But that's not so crazy really, is it? It's school. And I guess that the harder we have to work these next couple of weeks, the more rewarding winter break will be when it finally gets here. And snow should be arriving soon. And imagine if we have no work to do and we can have fantastic adventures playing and walking and building snowmen and sledding and building castles and having snowball fights and...

I really like snow. But I also would really like to have a job. (pretend the train of thought from snow to job is logical please.) And I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Which, while bringing about more stress of course, also has been making me think REALLY hard about what I want to do with my life. (And this loverly post by the amazing Holly made me actually decide to blog about it.)

UPDATE: I had to go to class and save that draft and now I just don't really want to write about post-college (read Holly's plans though!). I'd rather write about snow. And how much I love it. But I'm going to leave the post-college plan paragraph there so it haunts me and I have to think about it later.

Thank you picnik.com! 

This is what I want to happen right now: me in a santa hat. Outside with lots of snow in a santa toboggan hat (is that what those are called?). Preferably not with my nails painted green but whatever. You win some you lose some.

One of my favorite college memories happened in the aftermath of a blizzard. A good friend and I went outside and jumped in snow drifts. Just jumped. We'd run... and jump. SO. MUCH. FUN.

And another time, when I was still in high school, it snowed on Thanksgiving and my sister and I made an obese snow-turkey. His feathers didn't go as high as his head. (snow feathers are HARD!) But it made for good safe snow pictures with the baby cousin (who got to go for his first ever snow-turkey ride!) and therefore was awesome nonetheless.

It snowed yesterday a little bit, but nothing like it should have. Probably the number one reason I love going to school in Iowa is because you can reasonably assume there will be snow on the ground from Thanksgiving to Easter-ish. That doesn't happen in Kansas. In Kansas it snows and melts, snows and melts and it gets all slushy and gross faster and the grass is just mud (instead of covered in a warm fuzzy blanket of SNOW!). So we're a bit behind here in Iowa. But I just keep imagining that the clouds are storing up lots and lots of snow so when it finally does snow a lot, it snows A LOT-A LOT. This is long. Sorry. I'm done. I just want snow. I want to make a big huge castle. And then I want to make those snow pie thingies that Laura and Mary Ingalls used to make. And I want to snuggle in an igloo and drink butterbeer.

End of story. Oh! And all the people that I love will be there. Having fun. In the snow. The end. YAY!

Wizard of Oz

There's something freaky about the Wizard of Oz. It's creepy. I KNOW you know that too. It's not just me. It really is. Or maybe not as creepy as twisted. I admit, when I was 5 and naive, I loved the movie. I loved Dorothy and her shoes and her voice and the little ballerina munchkins and Glinda (I used to like pink...imagine that!). But then... I got old. And cynical/critical (the culture shock of going from ultra Catholic conservative Kansas high school attender to left-wing Iowa college English major will confuse you and cynicsm/criticism just happens...who'd'a thunk?), and I can't watch that movie now without warning lights flashing in my brain (I like to imagine there's an intercommed voice too, saying: DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER! but ironically I don't even know who Will Robinson is. Maybe my warning voice can say: DANGER SPOCK DANGER! because I saw the new Star Trek movie twice and I would trust Spock with my life I think) telling me that something is wrong.

Here's why:

1.  If some chick from Kansas dropped her house on MY sister, I'd be pissed off too. In my view, the wicked witch is somewhat justified in her actions. At least in being annoyed and mad at Dorothy. Even if Dorothy doesn't deserve the blame, we at least can understand WHY the witch is frustrated and taking it out on Dorothy. Her sister just died. Seriously. 
2. Given the socio-cultural recently-post-civil war background of the book, the flying monkeys could be an interesting statement on slavery and the treatment of African Americans even in a newly post-slavery (but not post-civil-rights) society. And that just, for me at least, adds an aspect of seriousness and social commentary unbefitting the children's story/happy-go-lucky image that people have assigned to this movie. 
3. Glinda is WAY too Barbie. And Dorothy is supposed to listen to her? And she doesn't tell Dorothy she can go home the first time she sees her? She is a walking (flying?) contradiction. In the beginning of the movie, she says that the shoes have great power, but she also says that she doesn't know what they can do, but then in the end she just happens to know. I'd punch somebody if I went through that whole ordeal only to have been able to get home within five minutes of leaving if Glinda had just TOLD me. 
4. Nobody receives their "gifts" until after they kill the wicked witch (whom I've already said is understandably justified to an extent in her anger/frustration). Not only are these "gifts" so fraudulent and unnecessary (Scarecrow doesn't believe he's smart until he receives a diploma, etc, etc), but were they really worth killing for? What are we teaching our kids here? 
5. Furthermore, why does Dorothy WANT to go home? Aside from her lovely aunt and uncle whom she adores simply because she has to, she isn't respected at home, no one stands up for her, her dog's life is in mortal danger there, and it's black and white. I can sort of understand wanting to go home by the end of the movie, but really? That's the first thing you want to do when you get to Oz? Go home? Yeah right. 
6. This one isn't quite from the movie, but from background I happen to know: Margaret Hamilton (aka The Wicked Witch of the West) was shunned on set by her fellow cast members. How awful. 

Sorry if you absolutely love the movie, but I am just so disillusioned by it. And I'm writing a paper and I've already written numerous poems about it because it's all I've been able to think about for months! 

Up next: why Belle = Judy Garland/Dorothy in animated form... 

XOXO. 

Things I'm Thankful For:

I told ya' I couldn't promise the post by Friday, didn't I!

So here goes:

I'm thankful for my actual Thanksgiving Day--I'm grateful that I got to meet my boyfriend's extended family and learn a little bit more about where he comes from and why he's so awesome. They were so incredibly welcoming--I spent the morning running commentary of the Macy's Day parade with the boy, his dad, and his uncle. I felt like a part of the family within the first five minutes, literally. That's never happened before. I'm also grateful that our families are close enough that I got to see my family on Turkey Day as well. Even though only 7 of us showed up, I'm grateful for conversation that we had--we've never had that random combination of relatives before, and it was perfect. I got to see my closest cousin for the first time in 8 months, and we had one of those rare awesome heart-to-hearts that I love so much. I'm thankful for the family that didn't show up--I missed them, and I realized how crucial every member of my family is--we are really a family--made up of individual units that can't be taken away or replaced.

I'm thankful for cooperating weather and the safe travels everyone made. Though I complain about the lack of snow, I was grateful that this Thanksgiving holiday, the dry roads made for safer driving.

I'm thankful for my education. The break away from school was more than necessary, but coming back has made me realize 2 things: 1) I'm going to miss this place. I'm going to miss the people, the classes, my professors, and the community. This school has been my home, and I love it to pieces, and it's a bittersweet feeling knowing that it's all coming to an end in a few months. 2) I'm so lucky to be where I am, and I've had opportunities some people never get the chance to have. I realized even more this holiday how much my parents have encouraged learning and how lucky I am that they did.

I'm thankful for people that believe in me. My parents, friends and the boy are always there to give me pep talks when I need it--or just a hug. I know I've been driving everyone crazy lately being stressed about post-college plans, but I'm SO thankful that I have people that love me enough to put up with that and to listen. Thank you guys.

I don't know how in the world I'm lucky enough to have the people I have in my life, but I'm so blessed. Happy Thanksgiving to you all. :)

xoxo

December has arrived

The holiday season has officially arrived, which is crazy. I've been neglecting the blogging, and I apologize. Blame midterms, the encroachment of finals week, and the craziness of school that is senior year. Don't get me wrong, I find time to relax-- but lately that's been in the form of making collages, not blogging. Don't ask where the collaging came from. I think it was the fact that I couldn't justify my accumulation and saving of hundreds of magazines any other way. So now instead of a pile of hundreds of random magazines, I have a pile of hundreds of cut-up magazines... and a few collages which will be showing up under Christmas trees this year. (Sorry yall, I'm a poor college student... but they're personalized and good wall-art!)

On to the holidays: in the spirit of not neglecting Thanksgiving in lieu of Christmas, here's a preview of my obligatory "I'm thankful for..." list, the entirety of which should be appearing tomorrow or Black Friday...but no promises, as I'll be with my family if the weather cooperates, and hopefully all my time will be occupied by all the cousins I've not seen in months it feels like.

Things I'm thankful for (in no particular order):

• The Starbucks barista today who chatted with me for 5 minutes and made my day
• My boss: so nice and sweet--cares about EVERYONE-- a rare find sometimes
• Old college people that graduated: you inspire me to keep going--and everytime we chat you remind me of amazing times
• My oldest 2nd cousin: you inspire me in general. You rock and you don't get enough credit for it.
• My aunt: you're SUCH a trooper. 

MORE TO COME..

With the advent of Thanksgiving and well... advent/Christmas quickly arriving, I can't help but think of all the things that have changed from last winter break to this one. And the scary thing is that not as much has changed this year. My best friend's birthday is in December, and last Christmas was the first time in years that I didn't get to celebrate it with her, and the hardest part of that was that I'll never get to celebrate it with her again. She's going on year 2 in the nunnery now. I've accepted that fact, but it won't stop my heart from twingeing a little on December 27th. But it makes me step back a little bit and try and gain some perspective on life: it's constantly changing and people are constantly flitting in and out of it, and we can only hope that at some point, someone touches us--and hopefully we can touch someone else.

I've had the opportunity to have so many amazing people in my life. Even the people that I don't talk to anymore or that I've had falling-outs with have left imprints on me--have changed me for better, and I hope they know that. I've also been blessed to have so many different types of people in my life. From Catholic school in Kansas to the sorority girls and ultra liberal sometimes hippie :)  friends I've made here at Drake to my laid-back, down-home family in Iowa to my Polish grandparents in California to my work family to my crazy and inspiring professors, I've been so incredibly blessed--so exposed to the millions of ways we can love other people. And I just hope I can touch someone else and let those people that have so touched ME know that I have been thusly touched, inspired, and that I've felt the love. That's my mission this holiday season: validation.

And that's my challenge to you too. Validate someone this season. Do it with love and genuine intent: let others know they've impacted you and affected you. I think one of the best gifts you can give someone is to let them know how much the love they've shown you has been felt. It's not necessary to have your actions "validated," but... it's nice.

So I leave you with this fantastic video that my boss showed me on the first day of work.

Much love and happy thanksgiving!

Strangers

I'm waking up at 6:15 AM to take the LSAT. It could last up to 7 hours. I can't have my cell phone. I'm getting thumb-printed.

Sounds a tad like jail.

Stressful. Possibly life-changing.

Spent all week stressing and studying, not just for this but for a whole bunch of school stuff.
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Mom called today to tell me that two kids at a school in my cousins' neighborhood were injured.

These kids live in California. Suffice it to say, I was utterly confused. The only thing I could think of was that perhaps one of my precious little cousin had punched a friend or something and THAT'S why mom was telling me.

"What do you mean?" I said.

And she proceeded to tell me that my aunt had sent her an email which said something along the lines of "Carlsbad school shooting. Picking up kids."

(She never was one for long emails.)

A gunman showed up at the school playground (if my cousins lived one block over, they would have gone to school here), got out of his car, and began shooting. Somehow, he only narrowly shot two kids (bullets grazed them and they're okay) before nearby construction workers were able to take him down.

Thank God for caring strangers.

... it's the little things today.

The LSAT? Not so bad. Counting my blessings today that my family is safe. It's the little things, guys. Random acts of kindness--bravery--instinctual gut reactions to life-threatening situations. Saving lives.

Unsure how to feel

I don't even want to explain myself. Life is just... well, life. It never ceases to amaze, excite, annoy, and trouble me. All at the same time. 

So instead of trying to craft meaning of it all today, I'm just going to post a picture that made me smile. 

If that isn't true love, I don't know what is...

Welcome October...

It is officially October. Time for pumpkin carving, leaf falling (and leaf raking, leaf blowing, and leaf jumping), hopefully a bit of snow falling, probably some nose blowing, trick-or-treating and I hope to squeeze in a smooch or two with my honey.

My motto for this month is gonna' be: focus on the little things.

As anxious as I am to put September in the past and behind me, I want to keep it with us here for one more blog post just so we can recognize it's contribution to our lives. All the trials and tribulations we go through in the Septembers of our lives leave marks on our hearts, and while we should move on from those, they will forever be there, and though we might not want them to, they will change the course of our lives from here on out, even if we don't notice it. My point amid all this wordiness is that September taught me something: God gives us happiness in the little things, and sometimes we forget to see that.

Today was absolutely crazy. Here's a rundown:
10:00 Took my car to the dealer. It didn't blow up on the way there. Arrived safe and sound and smoking.
10:30 Friend picked me up from taking the car.
11:00 Friend and I eat a delicious lunch at Jimmy John's, where the meat-to-lettuce ratio was perfection.
12-ish I arrive back to my room to find 3 wasps. Oh joy.
1-ish I find out the car stuff will cost upwards of $200. Expensive, but not as bad as the $500 it could've been
2:00 Battle with wasps is still ensuing. Two are trapped between windowpanes and a fourth has appeared (so two are untrapped)
2:05 I start to cry.
2:10 A maintenance man offers to take care of the wasp problem for me. He kills them (FIVE now), locates the problem, tells me they'll seal up my window, and in the middle of it all, stops to say, "I'm not trying to flirt with you, but you have beautiful eyes," and I can't help but smile.
3:00 I do crafts to destress from the 2 hours of wasps.
6:35 My friend takes me to the mechanic to pick up my car
8:00 My car still isn't fixed
8:10 Mechanic lends me HIS car because mine is "unsafe."
8:35 The dining hall guy gives me free mozzarella sticks.

I'm not going to lie, the bad definitely outweighed the good, however, I couldn't help but be amazed with my own calmness through the whole car situation, and even the wasp situation (until the 4th one appeared...but I didn't lose it until then). I'm the person that gets incredibly stressed out and freaked out when something doesn't go as planned, but this, after last month, was almost laughable. There were five wasps in my room. How the hell does that happen? And in the middle of a giant wasp-killing session, a sweet old guy stops to tell me I have pretty eyes? My heart melted. That made my day. Keith the dinner man gave me free mozzarella sticks... how sweet is THAT? And my car has been smoking out of the hood all week. Sounds like a blow-up waiting to happen, yet I'm still alive. How lucky am I? I have been blessed with GOOD things today despite the bad. And the bad? It isn't so bad... not in the grand scheme of things.

My point is, October, I hope you get better--I could do without $200 mechanic payments and wasps, but if it's that or the death and sickness that raged September, I'll take it.

Something to Smile About

I wanna' share a piece of good news I just found out: the cancer kid is officially in remission. :) Damn girl! :) :) :)

Lo Siento

First off, just wanted to say: I hope those last two posts don't sound completely pity-me. That's not my intention at all. At any given moment, we're all dealing with stuff, and I completely understand that. I'm so blessed to be where I'm at right now. I just wish that those I'm close to were doing a little bit better.

On a somewhat related, somewhat not note, I've been reflecting on what it means to take care of yourself. And no, I don't mean shaving your legs and brushing your teeth. I mean, at what point in life is it important and necessary to focus only on yourself--on fixing your issues on taking care of your own problems and temporarily shutting off outside contact so that you can regain a little composure? I guess I worry that lately I've been shutting others out when they need me, because part of me is terrified to hear what other horrible things are happening to others that I love and another part of me is afraid that I can't give my full 100% attention to anything anymore, because literally, 24/7, I'm thinking "I hope so-and-so is okay...I hope I hope I hope..." And slowly, that's already going away a little bit as I get better at prioritizing, at looking at the bright side, and figuring out that this is one moment in time, not an eternity---that some of this stuff HAS to get better for my friends and family. I just don't want to neglect anyone else in the process. And I worry that I'm already doing that without realizing it.

Not that anyone reads this, but I apologize if I've neglected to give anyone my complete and full attention lately. I'm trying. And working on it. And I know that everyone else is going through stuff and needing to get stuff off their chests as well. So just to let you know-- hugs from me are always a guaranteed. I'm here. And thank you to those that have dealt with my extra-bitchiness and isolationist tendencies lately. I'm more grateful than I'll ever be able to express.

Stay awesome.

Engine Coolant AKA Antifreeze

Today, (well, yesterday, but I really truly discovered it today) my car started leaking antifreeze, the orange stuff that keeps the engine from overheating. Every time I stopped at a stop light/sign/whathaveyou, white smoke would come out from under the hood of my car. And when you're as paranoid as I am, white smoke, even just a little, is not okay. Thoughts start racing through my head: "My car's going to blow up. My CAR is going to blow up. My car is going to BLOW up. My car is going to blow UP." And I go frantic when I can't reach my parents on their cell phone (I don't care if I'm 20 or not, my dad can fix anything.) Unfortunately, the problem is ultimately up to me to fix, as my parents are 3 hours away. They're helpful, yes, but the solving the problem is, in the end, completely up to me.

And then, due to my damn writer's brain, I started thinking about my life, and I'm pretty sure that this month my emotional persona has been leaking antifreeze. I mean, when I really sit and think about it, I feel like that's what it is. All of these little things have been piling on top of each other... all these little worries I'm harboring about the sick/dying/missing people in my life have created enough pressure that something's snapped a little. You can smell the bitchiness in the air a little more than normal, and that little gauge is inching dangerously close to the danger zone (ignore my redundancy in that statement. Maybe I'll think of better words later). My point is, where do you find a mechanic to fix that kind of leak? I need more antifreeze... more anti-emotional flip-out shit. And unfortunately, as much as my parents and friends try to help me, ultimately, it's up to me. Even though many of them are dealing with the same stuff I am right now, though, they don't run the same way I do... and it takes personal mechanic-ness (word choice... help!) to figure out what to do.

Apologies if my metaphor wasn't quite on par, but that's literally what's been going through my head. I have absolutely no control over any of the issues I'm worried about, but I DO have control over my reaction. (What's that cheesy saying? "Life is 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it?" or something?) My first step in repairing the leak in my emotional persona (I'm going to name her Mandy... I think it's a pretty name) was to spend the whole weekend locked in my room (this was also due partly to rain... I wasn't being a completely anti-social bitch) doing arts and crafts. The end result: a new piece of art, a bite into the chunk of christmas presents I have to give, reduced stress levels, and a LITTLE patch of one broken pipe has been slightly repaired.

Now the question is, what is going to happen to my car?

Helluva September

It's been one hell of a September. And I'm not sure how to take it anymore. To put it as simply as possible, I feel as though I'm on a teeny tiny dinghy in the middle of the ocean with a radio and no oars. I keep getting distress calls from other teeny tiny dinghies in other, much more disastrous, stormy parts of the ocean, but without my oars I can't help. Furthermore, I'm terrified of when the storm is actually going to hit ME.

Without boring you with all the tiny details (some of which aren't mine to give), I'll just say that this month has plummeted my circle of family, friends, and acquaintances through too many heart-wrenching moments and experiences.

And through it all, all I can think, how SHORT is this life. And what do I have to show for it? I'm so focused on the future, yet, as one of my best friends is always telling me, I know I need to focus on today, because today is all I have. But sometimes focusing on the future is the only thing that gets me through the day, and that's where I run into a roadblock. How do we deal with the pain of the present without imagining the future of tomorrow and the relief it might bring? But what if there IS no tomorrow?

If I could punch any word in the face right now, it'd be mortality. Not because I'm opposed to the concept, but because, well, quite frankly, knowing about it sucks. I wish it was invisible. I feel like that's the way it should be. When you start pushing 80 or something, then, maybe it can start creeping up on us, but until then, why can't we all just dream about the forevers we have ahead of us? It isn't fair that I can still (sort of) dream about my future while others around me have had theirs completely taken from them, or are forced to live in a hospital in such mortal fear that it will be taken away from them. Or still that there are some who are so afraid of that future that they feel the only way to stop the advancement of that impending future of pain is by inducing mortality themselves.

Good un-September-y Times... how I miss thee.

And you know what, Mortality? You just piss me off.

But on another note, I went to mass today. Those of you that know me know of my struggles with faith. But anyhoo, I forgot about all my issues with the church today and made progress: instead of sitting in church being pissed off at the church, I sat there pissed off about all the bad stuff that's been happening to everyone I know. And I'm hoping now that God heard some of it. We need a better October.

So: Adrianne, Megs, Jilly, Libs, Drew, Tony, C, Ry, Roo... I love you guys. And I was pissy at God for you today. Well, and all of September. And pretty much for forever. Stay strong, take care of us from up there, know that I love you wherever you are (take whichever statement applies to you).

And to the Big Dude upstairs: how hard is it to give a girl some oars?

Bluetooth where are you?

Who else is waiting for the sweet-ass technology of music/radio hearing aids? When I got my new hearing aids a few years ago, they were supposed to be so super fancy with bluetooth that I could listen to music through them... but only via wearing a thing around my neck. I was hoping I could stick that thing (receiver? I don't know the correct term) in my pocket or purse or something, but for some reason, the cord had to be around my neck otherwise it wouldn't work. So it was a no-go. Besides, it also cost a lot of money. But I'm wondering now why there ISN'T more technology headed in that direction that I know of. As far as I know, the bluetooth technology that IS out there is wireless, but it still requires something like the one I had--I had to have the cord around my neck--there were definitely uncomfortable restrictions that made the bluetooth hard to use. Well, not hard. But conspicuous. I'm an inconspicuous kinda' girl.

Thank god I have my huge headphones. Don't know what I would do without them, especially now during finals week.

New Earmolds: OUCH.

I thought I'd do a vlog today about my new earmolds plus a little background information about the anatomy of a hearing aid and just random thoughts about them that I was babbling about. I tried to do captioning and can't quite figure it out. Anyone who knows how to do this, help! Also, I know most people could care less about it. I guess I just wanted to put it on there so that people who are curious can see. I know so many of my friends have waited years before they've asked me anything about my hearing aids because they were afraid to (I have no idea why... am I really that scary?). So... yeah. Just givin' a shout out to the deaf community :)

Also, check THIS out, in the future kids can get Spongebob Squarepants hearing aids! I'm not sure I would have been comfortable having them because I was mainstream and always wanted to be inconspicuous, but I think this is awesome that kids have the option to do this! So cool!

Here's the real reason for this blog that I was attempting to get at with my first post. I'm hearing impaired. Hard-of-hearing (HOH). Deaf, basically. I don't like putting that on the web, but whatever. It's there and it's out, and I want this to be real me, real stuff. I'm not going to spill my guts or my life story, but I'm gonna' take risks. So yeah.

Anyhoo. I'm in love with Marlee Matlin. I have been since I saw her in Children of a Lesser God years ago and then as a guest on a very special episode of Extreme Home Makeover. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a link to the episode of Extreme Home Makeover, but it featured two deaf parents with two hearing sons, the younger of whom was blind and autistic. Matlin made an appearance as a deaf celebrity/inspiration. (The episode also featured my favorite charity, the Starkey Hearing Foundation, which provides hearing aids to the deaf and HOH in poor communities who would otherwise never get the opportunity to hear.) Anyways, she gave this awesome speech at Google about advocacy for the deaf and hearing impaired in the age of Internet technology, specifically speaking mostly about captioning for broadband videos. It's amazing and ridiculously inspiring. She's such an amazing woman and she has such courage that I don't think I have yet to speak boldly about her disability. It's just awesome.

THEN I found this amazing video, called Deaf Family, which Matlin is promoting (I think she might have been involved in the production of it too) and hoping to get on TV. The pilot is awesome, and it's something that people need to see-- this is a woman that is doing things for the world and for her community especially. She's advocating for a group that physically oftentimes doesn't have a voice, and that's so commendable in my opinion. Okay. I'm shutting up. Just watch:

Spring Awakenings

I'm supposed to be studying (who are we kidding, I'm always supposed to be studying), but I'm not. Lo siento. Today was crazy. It started off horrible, and it hasn't ended yet. I'm hopeful that from this point on, despite all the studying, it'll only get better--at the very least, the end of this day will bring the beginning of a new tomorrow. And isn't that what spring is all about?

This has been a year of challenges. I'm proud of how I've handled things and risen above what in the past would have taken me down and broken me. That's an awful thing to admit, but it's true. Though I think I feel it every year, I'm going to say it again: this is the year I made great strides to finding myself--to figuring myself out--to finding out what I believe and what I'm willing to do in sticking to those beliefs. I'm not talking faith (although at times that's a part of it), but simply my own convictions. I'm one of those people that would typically rather avoid confrontation than stand my ground and risk alienating myself or others. This year, I think that changed--though not as much as it could have, I've made great strides.

I apologize for this sounding vague, but it's made me wonder: what does it mean to "find yourself?" I've realized that I think about it all the time--that I decide in my head that I've "found myself," or even sometimes that I've "lost myself." But then at random moments, I sit back and laugh, because how can I lose myself when myself is all I have? Regardless of how confused I am or how much I want to be someone other than who I am, I am still me. Myself. I. Is it simply a matter of clarity and being able to verbalize what I believe that justifies my having "found myself," or is there something more to it? Is it in the actions I take?

I'd love to know your thoughts.

Just a little inspiration

Here's a video for you of a song that sums up my thoughts on life at the moment. It kind of works with everything going on in my life--relationships and also kind of just that feeling of not wanting to miss a moment. I miss enough moments as it is unintentionally...why let that happen when it can be prevented? The chorus is kind of becoming my motto, and the rest of the song is just amazing, whether you apply it literally or in some other way. I'm shutting up now. Just watch and listen. Here's the lyrics: Don't Wanna Miss a Thing by Aerosmith

Why I Blog

I started this blog in high school. I was mad at a boy, and I wanted a way to say what I needed to say. I didn't tell anyone about it, didn't put my name on it, didn't put his name in it, and essentially it was secret. I used a secret name and said nothing specific. No details that would hint at anything. But somehow, it made me feel better to put my thoughts and my pain into this vacuum of the web so it would be somewhere. I had this idea in my head that someone somewhere was reading it and that that someone understood what I was going through, or at least had some sort of sympathy for me.

Eventually, the boy became an issue of little concern, and I started posting about struggles I had in other areas of my life--religion, family, and my own personal struggles. Fast-forward to college. I'm a journalism and writing double major. Both curricula require me to share my story--make myself vulnerable. So here I am. This isn't a secret anymore. Here's my life. My collection of random thoughts, poems, and perspectives on everything. Enjoy.