Unsure how to feel

I don't even want to explain myself. Life is just... well, life. It never ceases to amaze, excite, annoy, and trouble me. All at the same time. 

So instead of trying to craft meaning of it all today, I'm just going to post a picture that made me smile. 

If that isn't true love, I don't know what is...

Welcome October...

It is officially October. Time for pumpkin carving, leaf falling (and leaf raking, leaf blowing, and leaf jumping), hopefully a bit of snow falling, probably some nose blowing, trick-or-treating and I hope to squeeze in a smooch or two with my honey.

My motto for this month is gonna' be: focus on the little things.

As anxious as I am to put September in the past and behind me, I want to keep it with us here for one more blog post just so we can recognize it's contribution to our lives. All the trials and tribulations we go through in the Septembers of our lives leave marks on our hearts, and while we should move on from those, they will forever be there, and though we might not want them to, they will change the course of our lives from here on out, even if we don't notice it. My point amid all this wordiness is that September taught me something: God gives us happiness in the little things, and sometimes we forget to see that.

Today was absolutely crazy. Here's a rundown:
10:00 Took my car to the dealer. It didn't blow up on the way there. Arrived safe and sound and smoking.
10:30 Friend picked me up from taking the car.
11:00 Friend and I eat a delicious lunch at Jimmy John's, where the meat-to-lettuce ratio was perfection.
12-ish I arrive back to my room to find 3 wasps. Oh joy.
1-ish I find out the car stuff will cost upwards of $200. Expensive, but not as bad as the $500 it could've been
2:00 Battle with wasps is still ensuing. Two are trapped between windowpanes and a fourth has appeared (so two are untrapped)
2:05 I start to cry.
2:10 A maintenance man offers to take care of the wasp problem for me. He kills them (FIVE now), locates the problem, tells me they'll seal up my window, and in the middle of it all, stops to say, "I'm not trying to flirt with you, but you have beautiful eyes," and I can't help but smile.
3:00 I do crafts to destress from the 2 hours of wasps.
6:35 My friend takes me to the mechanic to pick up my car
8:00 My car still isn't fixed
8:10 Mechanic lends me HIS car because mine is "unsafe."
8:35 The dining hall guy gives me free mozzarella sticks.

I'm not going to lie, the bad definitely outweighed the good, however, I couldn't help but be amazed with my own calmness through the whole car situation, and even the wasp situation (until the 4th one appeared...but I didn't lose it until then). I'm the person that gets incredibly stressed out and freaked out when something doesn't go as planned, but this, after last month, was almost laughable. There were five wasps in my room. How the hell does that happen? And in the middle of a giant wasp-killing session, a sweet old guy stops to tell me I have pretty eyes? My heart melted. That made my day. Keith the dinner man gave me free mozzarella sticks... how sweet is THAT? And my car has been smoking out of the hood all week. Sounds like a blow-up waiting to happen, yet I'm still alive. How lucky am I? I have been blessed with GOOD things today despite the bad. And the bad? It isn't so bad... not in the grand scheme of things.

My point is, October, I hope you get better--I could do without $200 mechanic payments and wasps, but if it's that or the death and sickness that raged September, I'll take it.

Something to Smile About

I wanna' share a piece of good news I just found out: the cancer kid is officially in remission. :) Damn girl! :) :) :)

Lo Siento

First off, just wanted to say: I hope those last two posts don't sound completely pity-me. That's not my intention at all. At any given moment, we're all dealing with stuff, and I completely understand that. I'm so blessed to be where I'm at right now. I just wish that those I'm close to were doing a little bit better.

On a somewhat related, somewhat not note, I've been reflecting on what it means to take care of yourself. And no, I don't mean shaving your legs and brushing your teeth. I mean, at what point in life is it important and necessary to focus only on yourself--on fixing your issues on taking care of your own problems and temporarily shutting off outside contact so that you can regain a little composure? I guess I worry that lately I've been shutting others out when they need me, because part of me is terrified to hear what other horrible things are happening to others that I love and another part of me is afraid that I can't give my full 100% attention to anything anymore, because literally, 24/7, I'm thinking "I hope so-and-so is okay...I hope I hope I hope..." And slowly, that's already going away a little bit as I get better at prioritizing, at looking at the bright side, and figuring out that this is one moment in time, not an eternity---that some of this stuff HAS to get better for my friends and family. I just don't want to neglect anyone else in the process. And I worry that I'm already doing that without realizing it.

Not that anyone reads this, but I apologize if I've neglected to give anyone my complete and full attention lately. I'm trying. And working on it. And I know that everyone else is going through stuff and needing to get stuff off their chests as well. So just to let you know-- hugs from me are always a guaranteed. I'm here. And thank you to those that have dealt with my extra-bitchiness and isolationist tendencies lately. I'm more grateful than I'll ever be able to express.

Stay awesome.

Engine Coolant AKA Antifreeze

Today, (well, yesterday, but I really truly discovered it today) my car started leaking antifreeze, the orange stuff that keeps the engine from overheating. Every time I stopped at a stop light/sign/whathaveyou, white smoke would come out from under the hood of my car. And when you're as paranoid as I am, white smoke, even just a little, is not okay. Thoughts start racing through my head: "My car's going to blow up. My CAR is going to blow up. My car is going to BLOW up. My car is going to blow UP." And I go frantic when I can't reach my parents on their cell phone (I don't care if I'm 20 or not, my dad can fix anything.) Unfortunately, the problem is ultimately up to me to fix, as my parents are 3 hours away. They're helpful, yes, but the solving the problem is, in the end, completely up to me.

And then, due to my damn writer's brain, I started thinking about my life, and I'm pretty sure that this month my emotional persona has been leaking antifreeze. I mean, when I really sit and think about it, I feel like that's what it is. All of these little things have been piling on top of each other... all these little worries I'm harboring about the sick/dying/missing people in my life have created enough pressure that something's snapped a little. You can smell the bitchiness in the air a little more than normal, and that little gauge is inching dangerously close to the danger zone (ignore my redundancy in that statement. Maybe I'll think of better words later). My point is, where do you find a mechanic to fix that kind of leak? I need more antifreeze... more anti-emotional flip-out shit. And unfortunately, as much as my parents and friends try to help me, ultimately, it's up to me. Even though many of them are dealing with the same stuff I am right now, though, they don't run the same way I do... and it takes personal mechanic-ness (word choice... help!) to figure out what to do.

Apologies if my metaphor wasn't quite on par, but that's literally what's been going through my head. I have absolutely no control over any of the issues I'm worried about, but I DO have control over my reaction. (What's that cheesy saying? "Life is 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it?" or something?) My first step in repairing the leak in my emotional persona (I'm going to name her Mandy... I think it's a pretty name) was to spend the whole weekend locked in my room (this was also due partly to rain... I wasn't being a completely anti-social bitch) doing arts and crafts. The end result: a new piece of art, a bite into the chunk of christmas presents I have to give, reduced stress levels, and a LITTLE patch of one broken pipe has been slightly repaired.

Now the question is, what is going to happen to my car?

Helluva September

It's been one hell of a September. And I'm not sure how to take it anymore. To put it as simply as possible, I feel as though I'm on a teeny tiny dinghy in the middle of the ocean with a radio and no oars. I keep getting distress calls from other teeny tiny dinghies in other, much more disastrous, stormy parts of the ocean, but without my oars I can't help. Furthermore, I'm terrified of when the storm is actually going to hit ME.

Without boring you with all the tiny details (some of which aren't mine to give), I'll just say that this month has plummeted my circle of family, friends, and acquaintances through too many heart-wrenching moments and experiences.

And through it all, all I can think, how SHORT is this life. And what do I have to show for it? I'm so focused on the future, yet, as one of my best friends is always telling me, I know I need to focus on today, because today is all I have. But sometimes focusing on the future is the only thing that gets me through the day, and that's where I run into a roadblock. How do we deal with the pain of the present without imagining the future of tomorrow and the relief it might bring? But what if there IS no tomorrow?

If I could punch any word in the face right now, it'd be mortality. Not because I'm opposed to the concept, but because, well, quite frankly, knowing about it sucks. I wish it was invisible. I feel like that's the way it should be. When you start pushing 80 or something, then, maybe it can start creeping up on us, but until then, why can't we all just dream about the forevers we have ahead of us? It isn't fair that I can still (sort of) dream about my future while others around me have had theirs completely taken from them, or are forced to live in a hospital in such mortal fear that it will be taken away from them. Or still that there are some who are so afraid of that future that they feel the only way to stop the advancement of that impending future of pain is by inducing mortality themselves.

Good un-September-y Times... how I miss thee.

And you know what, Mortality? You just piss me off.

But on another note, I went to mass today. Those of you that know me know of my struggles with faith. But anyhoo, I forgot about all my issues with the church today and made progress: instead of sitting in church being pissed off at the church, I sat there pissed off about all the bad stuff that's been happening to everyone I know. And I'm hoping now that God heard some of it. We need a better October.

So: Adrianne, Megs, Jilly, Libs, Drew, Tony, C, Ry, Roo... I love you guys. And I was pissy at God for you today. Well, and all of September. And pretty much for forever. Stay strong, take care of us from up there, know that I love you wherever you are (take whichever statement applies to you).

And to the Big Dude upstairs: how hard is it to give a girl some oars?

Bluetooth where are you?

Who else is waiting for the sweet-ass technology of music/radio hearing aids? When I got my new hearing aids a few years ago, they were supposed to be so super fancy with bluetooth that I could listen to music through them... but only via wearing a thing around my neck. I was hoping I could stick that thing (receiver? I don't know the correct term) in my pocket or purse or something, but for some reason, the cord had to be around my neck otherwise it wouldn't work. So it was a no-go. Besides, it also cost a lot of money. But I'm wondering now why there ISN'T more technology headed in that direction that I know of. As far as I know, the bluetooth technology that IS out there is wireless, but it still requires something like the one I had--I had to have the cord around my neck--there were definitely uncomfortable restrictions that made the bluetooth hard to use. Well, not hard. But conspicuous. I'm an inconspicuous kinda' girl.

Thank god I have my huge headphones. Don't know what I would do without them, especially now during finals week.